"In the wake of this Goop-tastrophe and at the urging of my spiritual counselor, who's also my lawyer, I'd like to take this chance to issue some long overdue Covetton House recalls," said the late-night host.
Stephen Colbert used his fake high-end lifestyle brand Covetton House to address Goop's recent settlement of a false advertising complaint on Thursday's episode of The Late Show.
"It's no secret to you that I'm a huge fan of friend of the show Gwyneth Paltrow and her lifestyle brand Goop," began Colbert. "That's why I was so disturbed to find out that Goop is in hot crystal-infused water."
Goop settled with California Food, Drug and Medical Device Task Force after the consumer advocacy group alleged that the lifestyle brand has made deceptive claims about 51 of its products.
"They have to pay $145,000 for lying to consumers about their healing vagina eggs and other items," said Colbert, before joking, "It says other items because customers who bought the vagina egg also bought the butt pineapple."
The host explains that Goop said the purpose of the vagina eggs was to balance hormones, increase bladder control, regulate menstrual cycles and prevent uterine prolapse. "Of course they prevent prolapse. Nothing can fall out once you've got a chunk of gravel launched up there," he said.
Colbert then said the advocacy group argued that Goop's products were not supported by science. "Oh sure. Maybe there's no book science behind Goop's $27 bottle of psychic vampire repellent protection mist, but let me ask you this. Have you ever met a psychic vampire? Maybe it's working."
"This is a real wake-up call for me because as you know, I also have my own high-end lifestyle brand Covetton House," he said. Colbert created the fake brand following the success of Goop. "In the wake of this Goop-tastrophe and at the urging of my spiritual counselor, who's also my lawyer, I'd like to take this chance to issue some long overdue Covetton House recalls."
After an ad of Colbert jumping around in a yard requesting that viewers "give me money," Colbert shared, "We are Covetton House regret to announce that we are recalling our pure essence yoni egg after consumers pointed out that it is just a hardboiled egg. I disagree. This ergodynamic, naturally encased packet of proteins and heart healthy fats has been heated to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, releasing its rich vitamin content, ideally on top of buttered toast."
"For those few customers upset and who demand a spiritual essence to their eggs, we're happy to exchange it for one that has ben deviled," said the host before pulling out a deviled egg from under his desk.
Colbert then informed customers that the company's wolf urine spirit mist "does not cure yeast infections, but it will keep deer away from your rose bush, by which I mean your vagina."
"We also need to issue an immediate recall for our relaxing earth mother plant relaxer. We claimed that this product eased tension, improved appetite and relieved pain," he said. "It does do all those things because it's weed, and we're not allowed to sell that."
The host addressed the final product, which is the good luck fun time monkey paw. "Boy, were we wrong about this one. It does not put you more in touch with your inner goddess and it is not fun. It will curse your family and destroy your life. Get rid of it now. Burn it with fire," he said. "Boy, egg on my face."
Watch the full segment above.